FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE !!

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



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Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



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Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.



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Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



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Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



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Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shu

cheap humor !!

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.'


The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to
do.'

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
'God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.'

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
'God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy.'

He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.

He asked 'What'??????

She said 'This morning our neighbor James suddenly died.'

Dated but funny

Jay Leno commentary on the markets

> 1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
> building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno
>
> 2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now
> being called Wal Mart Street Jay Leno
>
> 3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker .
> The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
>
> 4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
> Vegas and an investment banker ? A tie
>
> 5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
> side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
>
> 6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
> if you get any e mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam.
> Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
>
> 7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite
> candy bar - Jay Leno
>
> 8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
> thicker. They had to include pictures Jay Leno
>
> 9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
> San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
> General Electric and Century 21. - Jay Leno
>
> 10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
> cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
> whether that refers to mine or the bank's.